Carlien Cavens – retreat designer
reconnecting with ourselves - finding purpose - learning from mistakes
Welcome to People Like You, a weekly newsletter that explores the stories, questions, and ideas that help people design a better life.
Today’s edition at a glance:
Carlien Cavens – reconnecting ourselves
Principles for a Good Life
Not looking for a purpose
Black box thinking
Three questions for you
Meet Carlien Cavens – retreat designer, strategy consultant - °1986
WHY CARLIEN?
Very few people combine depth of feeling and thought with a consistently sunny outlook on life. Carlien’s one of them - deeply empathic, and not a stranger to life’s quirks, yet infectiously positive. She’s the definition of someone who’s decided to live life on her own terms. Carlien started her career in one of the world’s major consultancy firms, barely avoided burnout, and now runs retreats - aptly named Unplug48 - across the globe, helping leaders and ambitious folk reconnect with themselves. We had a salad, ice cream, and a long conversation.
Carlien, how does an executive consultant end up organizing retreats?
Since I was a young child, I wanted to be a CEO. So I studied to be a commercial engineer and joined one of the major consultancy firms, where I got to collaborate with wildly successful people. I enjoyed all the perks and had front-row seats on what professional success looks like. However, I noticed very few of these successful CEOs and executives were happy. And neither was I. I got close to hitting burnout. While working on a project in South Africa, I took a boat trip to see white sharks, and on that boat ride, we were surrounded by a school of more than 1000 wild dolphins. That’s when I realized: “This is THE life.” Flying first class isn’t.
The firm offered me career coaching, and I was offered to organize the annual team retreat, in Greece. I enjoyed that immensely and returned fully charged. That’s when I realized I should always follow my enthusiasm. I took a few months off, traveled, and reconnected with myself – by spending time alone and talking to strangers. I realized I had completely lost that connection. I had lost an eye for the small things in life and had forgotten what I’m good at. So, I quit the firm, and started organizing retreats for busy professionals – to allow them to experience what I experienced for myself.
How can we best reconnect with ourselves, and our enthusiasm?
By spending time alone, without distractions. The simpler, the better. Get bored. Meditate. And spend time in another setting than you’re used to. People rarely spend time alone, and in doing so, they lose themselves. Hence the slogan of my company: “It’s about time for yourself.” Participants MUST keep their phones switched off during the entire retreat. This is a non-negotiable and makes such a big difference. Our phones keep us connected with others, but away from ourselves. Taking time away from your responsibilities is not a selfish thing to do – on the contrary, it is quite generous, as it helps you become a better partner, spouse, parent, entrepreneur, …
What are your guiding principles in designing a good and purposeful life?
I have a few, that I discovered through living, reflecting, journaling, and listening to others’ stories.
Memento Mori – remember you will die.
Our lives are shorter than we think. What would you do if you knew that you only had one year left to live? Live that life, every day.Follow nature’s rhythms.
We can’t rush life, and when things don’t flow, just be patient. Accept that doubt, boredom, and suffering are part of life, just like flow, joy, and certainty. People have stopped seeing themselves as part of nature. A lion rests 23 hours a day and saves its energy for that one hour that matters in the hunt.Life unfolds through us.
Don’t worry about your purpose, just be mindful of what life is asking of you. Pay close attention and let your enthusiasm guide you.Don’t compare yourself to others.
You don’t know the whole story, and no single path is better than any other.The biggest failure in life is not to live.
At the end of our lives, we should have the sense that we never held back. I like to imagine we live in a computer game, and that I have a choice to participate or not.Good relationships are key, and they start with yourself.
You can do all the personal development you want, but relationships with others are Jedi level. The true art: enjoy the connection without the attachment. Appreciate every relationship, including the difficult ones – they all teach you something.
What’s the most difficult decision you’ve ever made, which later turned out to be one of your best?
Making decisions typically isn’t difficult for me, as I tend to be very intuitive. But the most challenging decision I’ve made was breaking up with my partner of 7 years. We were getting ready to buy a house and start a family, but deep down I knew it wasn’t working – and I would have run away if he had proposed to me. I ended up cheating on him with a co-worker, and after a few weeks I realized I needed to make a decision, for the sake of all involved. The honest answer was that I was ready to leave my partner, regardless of the affair. It turned out I was waiting for a trigger. What I learned from it: to learn to trust in radical decisions. This insight helped me to make difficult decisions later on, and to trust my intuitive judgment.
What piece of advice do you have for people still looking for their purpose?
Stop looking for your purpose, your purpose will find you. Your only duty is to be aware and conscious, and to listen closely to signals and follow your enthusiasm. And in order to find that, you need to spend enough time alone, without distractions.
And what’s a question more people should ask themselves?
There’s two I want to share.
1. In every situation, try to discover what life expects from you.
What is being asked of you? Very often, we don’t need to make decisions, but rather just embrace what is being asked of us – and to pay attention to what excites you.
2. Try and find out what others come to you for.
What do others get from their interactions with you? In my case, that’s willpower and courage. I meet a lot of people with a great idea or who know exactly what they want to do, but who lack the courage to act upon it. I often end up being the one that nudges them into action.
→ You can connect with Carlien on LinkedIn, and check out her retreats through her website
ON JOURNALING AND MAKING DECISIONS (Kris’s thoughts)
I’m an avid journal writer. Upon waking up, I allow my thoughts to free-flow onto morning pages. At bedtime, I record insights, feelings, and gratitudes in a journal. And every night, I write down between 3 and 5 dreams. By now, I’ve logged 3000+ dreams, and I’m deeply familiar with my personal dream language and symbols. This is a practice I picked up when I was learning how to get lucid dreams - in which I get some amount of control over the dream. (Believe me, flying is awesome and Scarlett Johansson is a great kisser.)
Nighttime adventures aside, I find journaling immensely helpful. It helps me organize my thoughts, feelings, and experiences - but it also serves another purpose: that of black box thinking.
You see, when a plane crashes, its black box is studied closely, as it will tell investigators what exactly happened right before the crash. And then, based on that, improvements are made - so the same thing will never happen again, to any plane, anywhere in the world.
I have made some good, and some terrible major decisions in my life. But because of my journaling practice, I can always go back and read why I thought the decision was a good one in the first place.
So, consider taking up journaling. Instead of beating yourself up about a bad choice, journaling will allow you to objectively assess the thinking and circumstances that led to the less-than-optimal decision – and you can learn from your mistakes. And avoid a crash the next time around.
‘Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.’
- Barry LePatner
THREE QUESTIONS FOR YOU
Echoing Carlien’s suggestions:
What do you get from the people closest to you?
What do they get from you?
And because I’d really like to know:
What do you get from reading this newsletter?
(and what do you want more of?)
Let me know by replying to this email, or leaving a comment below.
Thanks, and may you be well.
Kris 🙏
Another inspiring interview!
Thank you for the insights.