Meet Saskia Van Gils
life (coach) advice, metabolizing pain, connections lost (& regained)
Welcome to People Like You, a weekly newsletter that explores the stories, questions, and ideas that help people design a better life. Read time: 6 minutes.
This issue at a glance:
Saskia Van Gils: less ego, more heart
Three pieces of life advice
A soul-crushing winter & how to metabolize pain
Looking back at dawn
Lost connections
Meet Saskia Van Gils - life coach, yoga teacher, maverick - ° 1977
WHY SASKIA?
There’s life coaches. And there’s coaches that make you feel alive.
Saskia Van Gils is the latter. During her career in a family fashion business, she noticed she didn’t fit inside the box, and went on to reinvent herself as a coach who lives life on her terms - commuting between Antwerp, Portugal, and Zoom calls with clients looking to discover the maverick in themselves. I’m one of them. We had coffee, and a chat about life, the universe, and everything.
Saskia, what does a life coach actually do? And how is it different from a professional coach or a psychotherapist?
Everything is connected – people, their relationships, their careers. And that’s what I do best: I connect with people and help them see how they can get unstuck. Many people cling to old values that used to work but now need a major update. I help them get a broader perspective on their lives, and how they can improve them in the here and now. Feeling without action can get us stuck, and action without feeling is a direct route towards burnout or failed relationships. I help people balance the two and set them on a new path.
What sets apart a good life coach from a mediocre one?
A good coach is there for their client, not for themselves. They don’t fit a client’s needs into a framework, but instead, they figure out what makes them tick and what blocks them – by listening carefully, and in my case, my intuition, which I have learned to accept and respect as a wise tool that I have at my disposition to help others.
You started out in fashion, co-founding a family business. What insight or experience brought you to do what you do now?
Even though I was responsible for the commercial side of the business, the commerce team consisted of people, so I was also the go-to HR person. I saw the conflict between the people and the ‘targets’ and numbers they were responsible for. I noticed my innate sensitivity and intuition to their wins and struggles. So I decided to get certified as a coach, and later as a yoga teacher – to help people get unstuck and connect with their playful, inventive selves.
What’s the best mistake you’ve ever made and how did it lead to something better
As much as I respect the generation that raised us, I allowed myself to be conditioned by their ideas. I modeled my life after their example, just to fit in. I even bought a house with a partner I didn’t really love – just to prove I could fit within this pattern. By trying to conform, I’ve hurt a lot of people. I now try to live according to my principles – without causing others harm.
What’s a powerful life or work discipline you wish you had discovered earlier?
I start my days with a very easy, simple task - like making coffee - and then build momentum towards the bigger tasks. You start with a small win, and can build up towards the hard stuff. I used to do it the other way round, but ended up never finishing anything.
Is there a belief that you have changed, and that affects how you approach work, love or life?
There’s a few. On the physical side of things, I stopped drinking alcohol two years ago. A fog has lifted and it led to an increased awakening in life.
On the emotional side of things, I’ve learned to let go of the toxic side of my ego, and to approach life from the heart. Less ego, more heart. The moment we learn to do this, everything changes. Life does not get easier, but it does get softer. For instance, instead of unbalanced feelings like jealousy or resentment, you can feel sorrow, self-compassion, and grief. Once you learn how to see life this way, you can’t unsee it
And on a spiritual level, I’ve learned that the question “Who am I?” is utterly irrelevant. We’re nothing and everything. And something different for everyone – a mother, a sister, a friend, a stranger…
What’s the smallest possible step someone can take to make a change happen?
Talk to people who are open to hearing about what you’re dealing with. Our quest for the ‘how’ is potentially infinite – the main thing is to know what you want and trust that your moment will come. Everyone has their timeline, and your time will come. Keep on believing.
You’ll notice it when something larger than you seems to take over. You then have a choice – to stay in control, or to surrender and trust something will emerge. You’ll realize there’s more than we can see and know. It’s a lonely path – but the collective consciousness benefits from it every time someone walks it. And so you also help the rest of the world to get unstuck.
It’s a win-win.
What’s a question my readers should ask themselves?
We are born alone, and we die alone, and no one else knows you better than you do – you’ve been in your company for your entire life. So, as deceptively simple as it may seem, ask yourself “WHAT DO I WANT?”.
Regardless of whether it’s readily attainable or not, it is a MUST KNOW and should be your guiding principle and inner compass.
THREE PIECES OF ADVICE (FROM SASKIA)
Wake yourself up if you’ve been stuck in your drama for too long.
Read about what’s blocking you, but don’t overread.
It can become an excuse not to take action.Make sure you always have something to look forward to.
Depression loves the void. Schedule small wins and celebrations.
=> Follow Saskia’s stories & insights on Instagram.
ON A PERSONAL NOTE (FROM KRIS)
This winter has been a total soul-crusher for me.
It started with tinnitus: a constant ringing in my ear. Then panic attacks. First a few at work, then also when talking to friends. I was diagnosed with burnout and went offline and home for two weeks. Then four. And then the big black dog reared its ugly head: depression. I thought I'd tamed the beast 7 years ago, but it came back, with a vengeance.
This time with a tsunami of grief, and intrusive thoughts. Every single second, 24/7 - for 150+ days. The more I resisted them, the louder they got. The brief respite I got was the few hours of deep sleep I got each night, in between dreams. I couldn’t even listen to what people were saying to me - the thoughts were louder and utterly debilitating.
The only thing that finally helped: radical acceptance.
Self-compassion. Patience. Letting go. Sitting in the fire.
As John Greene writes in The Fault in Our Stars: ‘That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.’
Time alone does not heal all wounds. Time AND attention do.
(My tactic here: a daily time block (60 minutes, in the morning) during which I do nothing but feel, journal, and feel some more. This hack allowed me to interrupt my ruminations during the rest of the day, with the promise I’d look into them again the next morning.)
Once I embraced the thoughts and started feeling my feelings, they quietened down – ever so slowly, as I made my way to the source of this river of grief. I found it, and I can’t unsee it. And in a way I’m glad for what it showed and taught me. Because we can only meet others as deeply as we have met ourselves.
To quote Heidi Priebe –
‘Pain changes us. The only choice we get is HOW it changes us.’
Here’s one of her videos on how we can metabolize pain (instead of taking it out on ourselves or others)
LOOKING BACK AT DAWN …
“for it is at dawn we comprehend the night & in the spring Persephone remembers Hades relives her winter sojourn. she walks moaning over dry & stony fields; her tears raise primroses”
— from Diana di Prima’s “Loba”
… IT WAS LOST CONNECTIONS
What I’ve learned from my 150 days of grief & ruminations: the root cause for my breakdown was lost connections.
With nature, with my values, with meaningful work, with a purpose. With myself. With my past. And above all, with my loved ones.
I had pretty much lost track of every single one of these over the last few years.
Relaunching this newsletter is another small step in rebuilding my life, from its ashes. To quote a dear friend - ‘impression without expression leads to depression.’
So, here you go, and I’m glad to see you here.
Please take care of yourself, and your loved ones. 🙏
Inspiring interview and person, recognizable and encouraging. Thank you for sharing Saskia's story and yours. Is it not suprising how resilient people are? Take good care.